AIIA headquarters apologizes for the lateness of the release of the following documentation despite our previous indication that its contents would be made available to all interested parties.
ASH file #001
QUOTE(Information taken from head agent Lord (operative 001) personal journal)
January 28th, 1991: Yes! I have done it!
It has taken me years to do it, but I have finally managed to get my personal team of subordinates into the CIA and FBI! My master scheme of global domination is so close to its completion! (Pages of scribbled "hahaha" follows)
August 19th, 1995: I can't believe my run of good luck! My operatives on the CIA and FBI have gained such recognition and prestige, that they are being commended as the finest agents their collective fields.
Since every one of them has given credit to me the government has asked me to start a new, covert intelligence agency!
I think this calls for a drink.
August 20th, 1995: I can't remember the last time I had such a night. I must remember to investigate further the hidden, untapped powers of beer.
March 22nd, 1996: My baby has just been born!
After months of planning and building and scheming, my beautiful AIIA has been born!
(Why did that @#%!$^ senate make me name MY agency after some producer?! I need a beer!)
October 18th, 2000: I think maybe my plans for global domination are being foiled. Curiously enough, it is not intentional. I have all the resources at my disposal. I have the power. I have the means. All I need to do is initiate my final command and it will be done.
My operatives are positioned at every key point necessary to complete my plan of global domination. Yet I hesitate to issue that command.
December 24th, 2000: Merry !$%@$%@%@!$@% Christmas to me...
Why did I have to be so !$%@%!$%@!@% weak... I mean, I could've had !$%@%!$%@% anything!
And yet I find myself finding !$%@%!$%@% satisfaction in !$%@% saving this miserable country from anhialation, over and over.
!$%@%!$%@% Where's my bottle! !$%@% penguins must've taken it. Oh well. I'm smashed enough to watch the llam....(entry remains uncomplete as the pen made a giant mark to the end of the page)
January 16th, 2001: Something is not right. I feel something... evil inside me. As if another personality is waiting for me to slip so that he can take control. Already when I am near the point of exhaustion, I feel the urge to issue the "Final Code" to my agents.
It only with sheer willpower that I supress that desire. I must maintain absolu... (the rest of the entry is complete, undecipherable gibberish)
May 4th, 2001: I have set my best research agents on this assignement. It is the most classified project we have ever undertaken. One so classified that only 7 men know anything aout it at all. And 2 of those men, godwilling, are me.
(All entries from May 5th to September 28th, 2001 are complete gibberish)
September 29th, 2001: I need a beer
(All entries from September 30th to December 18th, 2001 are complete gibberish)
December 19th, 2001: Success!
Does my good fortune know no bounds? I have succeeded where the experts said I would fail. Where none had faith, I believed in the abilities of my 5 research agents.
Unfortunately, the entire process of researching, developing, and executing the process to divide my 2 separate personalities into 2 different bodies succeeding in driving every single one of the agents completely mad and now they are only good for running that gigantic hamsterwheel that powers AIIA headquarters.
My "brother" has been shipped off to god only knows where. I do not want to know anything about him from this point on as I cannot acknowedge any link between he and I. To do so may drive us both to the brink of madness. Even this journal must be destroyed or put away somewhere that I cannot lay eyes on it ever again.
My only hope is that the process of separation left him as drained as I and that he will not remember the labors I had once undertaken as part of his evil ambition. I... I... I must put this journal away and never look upon it again!
(There are no more entries)
As you can see, gentlemen, the Lord sighted in the Antartic is not
the Lord currently in command at AIIA. However, to confront him with this information could very well destroy him.
In light of these developments, AIIA has enterred stage "Zulu-Omega-Epsilon". Lord has stepped down from command of AIIA and will be taking an extended leave of absence until this situation is resolved. As to his plans while on leave, please do not partake of any office rumors. We all know of Lord's status as a loving husband and would never consider vacationing in Guam.
(Well he might consider it, but then his wife might consider eliminating him - I hear she is one of AIIA's top assassins...)
Official AIIA Report:
AIIA is pleased to hear about the rescue of its missing agent and is also pleased to report that the situation in the North Pole may be coming to a resolution.
The surrender demand has been accepted and we are currently engaged in negotiating the conditions of that surrender. Already the enemy forces have ceased firing on the AIIA agents surrounding the base (which is good because some of those toys can really harm a soldier when launched by a water-balloon launcher).
Also, the best news of all, AIIA would like to take a moment to congratulate one of our agents (we cannot identify him at this time) on the successful completion of a rescue mission (which did not really happen since the capture took place somewhere that we never really were). The agent was able to extract one of our other agents (we cannot identify him, either, at this time) with no harm to either one of the operatives (which is good because since it never happened, we would be hard pressed to explain anything regarding any kid of injuries).