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The Ehop And Dancing Llama Societies...


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#1 Aaron1339

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Posted 14 July 2003 - 06:55 PM

QUOTE(etile @ Jul 10 2003, 04:18AM @ Jokes Forum ---> Form)
hey aaron, "dancing llamas?" you know i'm keeping tabs on the Evil Horde of Penguins. are they allies. i'm gonna need a lot of sporks...

I figured we should start a new thread considering the serious nature of the threat we face.

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For those of you who don't know, the Evil Horde of Penguins (EHoP) has announced their plans to launch a campaign of squaking, aquatic terror in the effort to take over the world.

QUOTE(Aaron's Imaginary Intelligence Agency)
...their demands are simple:  First, they want every person of every nation to submit to their aquatic, flightless will.  Second every family must produce one member to be a slave to one of the EHoP scociety's members.  Third, tribute must be paid daily in the form of a mackerel.
Panic has already errupted amongst the masses of those people living closest to the Antartic Continent.  The government has issued a...


There is also the enigmatic and mysterious Dancing Llama group. No one has ever been able to determine what these shaggy quaprapeds want exactly. Every agent sent by the various governments of the world to ascertain the goals of this group have never returned to make their report.

QUOTE(Aaron's Imaginary Intelligence Agency)
...when asked about their goals, (the Dancing Llamas) avoid giving a direct answer by stating simply, "We are the Dancing Llamas".
With the growing threat to national security in the form of multiple, various terrorist groups, the United States and several other nations have announced that they will no longer accept that answer and have vowed to get to the bottom of this scoiety's goals and...


While there has been no direct link between the EHoP and Dancing Llamas, there has been a suspicious decline in activity amongst the known members of the Dancing Llamas group. Some have even forgone their annual "Spring Shearing Festival" where they shave their wool coats off in preparation for the coming summer and make coats and other weave products to be sold on the black market (a "Dancing Llama" parka is valued at approximately $50,000.00).
We are still trying to gather intelligence to determine if there is a link between the two, but have discovered a weakness in the EhoP military forces; they have not been properly prepared to deal with a spork-wielding assailant. Preliminary reports suggest that EhoP militiamen have suffered terrible losses at the hands of rebel forces trained to properly handle a spork in deadly combat.

At the moment, the EhoP and the U.N. are engaged in a stalemate; neither one is willing to make the first move and tip his hand.

#2 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 14 July 2003 - 08:06 PM

Auxilary Briefing:

How do we know of this new weakness you may ask? I've been there. No, not there, THERE. It all started when...

QUOTE(etile @ January 22 1998 01:23 AM)
AIIA (Aaron's Imaginary Intelligence Agency): Agent, you have arrived 3 months after ETA, explain.

etile (barely conscious): It was... horrible. I infiltrated EHoP outlying base as planned, and started working my way in. I was... apprehended at quadrant 3, subsection gamma and taken to some sort of... laboratory. Or was it a torture chamber? so dark... darrrk...

AIIA: snap out of it! *abrupt and repetitive slapping sounds audible)

etile: no, not again!...  they proceded to test my reactions toward various stimuli, such as a baseball bat, metal pipe, elecrticity, extreme hot and cold environments, thrown objects, pokey thingies, britney spears videos, etc. Luckily, my Britney Spears tolerance training allowed me to laugh in the face of danger. The enemy units, surprised went to a different room, in order to decide if I was finally cracking... that's when i struck. Managing to release myself from bondage, I pulled out my last weapon: my standard issue plastic spork. I escaped and headed to the main room, and that's where i saw them... sentries, agents, an entire division of them with laser eye implants. They saw me, and started to shoot their diabolical death rays at me. I managed to take out 7 agents, but the swarm was too large. They got me... and... oh no, please not the lasers again, not the burning! plea...


#3 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 14 July 2003 - 08:14 PM

It is my belief that they are preparing a large scale attack on man-kind. The EHoP has spent years training in extreme environments, wearing their tuxedos. They have class. They have power.

For years I've tried to convince agencies to unite in a world-wide pre-emptive strike, but noone believes me. They say I've cracked, they say that the voices aren't real...

#4 Aaron1339

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Posted 15 July 2003 - 11:25 AM

The AIIA has now has reasons to believe the information leaks comming from the Southern Hemisphere to be true and the EHoP to be a legitimate threat to the fragile safety of the free nations of the world.
(They are a threat only to the free nations of the world because that is all they can afford. The EHoP cannot afford any of the retail nations of the world)

A preliminary strike force was sent into the demilitarized zone of the Antartic Continent and was all but obliterated by EHoP Liberation Front (ELF) operatives.
QUOTE(agent Stone (opertative 013) @ Jul 14 2003)
Say what you will about those tuxedo'ed freaks.  They can't fly, but those birds can fight.  Within 5 minutes of touchdown, they had the entire unit surrounded and most of the vehicles crippled.  They seemed to shrug off most everything we hit them with.  I don't know if it was their protective layer of fat and feathers that naturally protect them from the frigid waters of the Antartic Ocean or some new technology.
If it wasn't for the debriefing we received on the previous attempt to infiltrate the EHoP, we never would have been able to escape the ELF forces.  As it was, only half of the unit managed to get their standard issue plastic spork into action soon enough to hold them off long enough to organize a retreat.

And disturbing reports are filtering in from the North that cannot be ignored. It would seem that ELF forces have somehow managed to establish a base at the North Pole. Operatives are currently being sent to ascertain the severity of the situation to the North.
The AIIA does hold out hope that the rumors of ELF operatives to the North prove to be false as it would be very difficult to launch an assualt on two separate fronts.

At the moment, the AIIA is working without the direct consent or order of the United States government. This operation is considerred covert and has been classified as a "Shadow Op".
Any operatives captured by the enemy will be disavowed by the US government and any knowledge of their activities will be denied.

#5 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 15 July 2003 - 09:11 PM

The North Pole?! Impossible!!

We cannot afford a two front war. Priority one is to eliminated this second front, then transfer all offensive attacks back to the south. A prototype soldier shall be employed soon. The design is that of a polar bear, with various sporks implanted and/or duct taped to their paws. Hopefully we can acquire an enemy corpse in order to study their newly implemented lasers and search for any hidden armor.

Right now I am stuck in research and developement, the agency stills considers me too much of a threat to allow on missions. The only thing that can change my status is authorization from a select few agents or higher ups, but they all refuse to comment. Damn.

On a side note, I want to put effort into of the study of the defensive properties of the spork. Although it seems to have remarkable offensive capabilities, the former is still unknown. But the only way to acertain anything is to send an agent over there with a prototype armor shell. If only I could volunteer...

#6 Guest_tzobell_*

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Posted 15 July 2003 - 11:41 PM

QUOTE(etile @ Jul 14 2003, 05:06 PM)
Second every family must produce one member to be a slave to one of the EHoP scociety's members.

cry_smile.gif cry_smile.gif cry_smile.gif they took me from my family and now make me cook and clean for them. Fortantly as long as my family is willing to pay $45,000 to them anulay, i can still have the privlege of posting a beer smily on this forum.

beer.gif beer.gif beer.gif beer.gif beer.gif Yea!!!!!!!!!

#7 Aaron1339

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Posted 16 July 2003 - 09:27 AM

Don't worry, tzobell. We believe that we may have the vital information that is necessary to breaking the grip of terror these birds are silently holding over those who have submitted to their will.
The only unknown variants in this whole affair is the possibility of EHoP Liberation Force (ELF) troops in the North and the aims of the Dancing Llama Society.

Reconassaince reports are hazy and with the apparent threat posed by the EHoP and their ELF army, the AIIA is not about to wait for someone else to make the first move. Orders have already been made to launch a massive preemptive strike in the North Pole.
Again, the reports are hazy, but the AIIA has reason to believe that the EHoP has indeed setup base in the North. Satellite radar has picked up aerial activity that does not seem to fit with any known aircraft. And all the governments of the world deny testing of any kind in the North Pole. We can only assume that the EHoP has developed some new type of aircraft and is using the uninhabitted (and generally un-servaillanced) area to test and perfect it before using it in their campaign toward global domination.

As a result, ALL active AIIA agents not currently on assignment outside of the U.S. is being given orders to participate in a full-scale invasion of the North Pole.
Since the United States government has not yet officially recognized the existence of a threat posed by the EHoP, this operation is classified as a "Shadow Op". As such, the AIIA will be acting alone without any aid from any foreign allies.

------------------------------

Agent etile (operative 028), you have been given temporary medical discharge for the duration of this operation. Your experience with spork-combat may be vital to the success of this operation.
Your suggestions regarding the possible defensive capabilities of the spork have been noted and you can rest assured that we are looking into your preliminary research.
Provided you can keep the 27 other personalities in your head (please note that we have changed your operative id number - we thought that this was pretty funny) under control durring the course of this operation, recommendation to stay any further medical treatment and reinstatement to full AIIA agent duties will be made upon your return.

#8 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 17 July 2003 - 02:14 AM

beer.gif
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yay, another mission!!! beam me up, scotty... hiccup!

028, eh? my weakness shall be your... I mean, EHoP's downfall!!!
With so many brilliant minds within one mortal shell, I shall take over the world!!! I mean, destroy the EHoP... *glances towards closet with golden scepter

Um... yeah, anyways, can I expect a detailed briefing?

#9 Guest_tzobell_*

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Posted 17 July 2003 - 09:11 AM

Are they crazy!!!!!!!!!! Im not at the north pole I'm at antartica, some lamo turned the map upsidedown. Great Now im stuck here with nothing to do, except in the evenings they make me put on a Llama costume and dance, its like horible. Well atleast i still got my beer and cocacola/pepsi smile coke8.gif beer.gif

#10 Aaron1339

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Posted 17 July 2003 - 11:10 PM

Coded message sent to agent tzobell (operative 798) behind enemy lines:

QUOTE
Agent tzobell, word of your dilemna has reached AIIA headquarters and a rescue plan is currently being formulated.  Unfortunately, no one is crazy enough to volunteer for a solo-mission to the Antartic with ELF forces holding most of the beaches.  And until the shadow-op in the Artic has been completed, no additional personell can be spared.
However, these circumstances present a very interesting opportunity for reconassaince.  It is apparent that the EHoP does not believe you to be an AIIA agent or else they would have handed you over to their ELF commanders for interogation.  At this moment, AIIA still does not know the extent of the connection between the EHoP and the Dancing Llamas.
Your original message indicates that the EHoP enjoy watching you dance while dressed as a Llama.  Does this mean that the Dancing Llamas are purely entertainers for drunken commanders?  Or have you witnessed Dancing Llama militiamen in the vicinity?
On a side note: Your commanding officer has been debriefed on how to properly read a map and upon your return (alive, hopefully), he will go over that information with you.  The AIIA hopes that this will prevent future agents from being inadvertently sent into hostile territory.


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Official AIIA Report:
The first wave of AIIA operatives has reached the shores of the small continent located in the Northern Artic Ocean. Very little resistance has been met in the form of what appear to be EHoP forces dressed as small human men.
This information is very unsettling considerring the threat this new, unheard of form of camoflage poses to the security of the free nations. Two smaller, satellite bases have been taken and the AIIA is gathering our remaining forces to properly launch an attack at the main base located at the North Pole. Intelligence gained from the sites taken by AIIA indicate that the majority of the forces are located there.
Strange weapons were found at the two sites taken. They are unlike anything we have ever seen and appear to require special passwords or something to activate. All attempts to test these weapons have resulted in very disappointing results. Without the proper information to activate these weapons, they will not discharge. Another unsettling development is the report that these weapons were stored with children's toys so as to prevent their detection. Intelligence indicates that the main base contains a massive factory devoted to manufacturing these weapons.

Further reports will be made as the information becomes available.

#11 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 06:00 AM

Agent 028 Report:

So far, things have been smooth more or less. I have been experimenting with a prototype exoskeleton made of multiple layers of sporks, in order to test the defensive properties of this culinary tool. However, due to the lack of volunteers (I was told by superiors that I couldn't FORCE people to do it, darn) I conducted a field test using myself as the tester. Overall, the defensive armor fared pretty well against penguin infantry, close rang, melee attacks. It did not, however, provide much protection against the one's with lasers implanted in thier eyes. Or the grenades. Or the bazookas, knives, mines, baseball bats, metal pipes, auto or semi automatic weapons, trucks, catapulted farm animals, concrete donkeys, Inter-continental ballistic missles (ICBMs), or surface to air missiles (after I stepped on a mine, they shot at me while i was in the air). Although the test may have reached dismal results, it gave me an opportunity to make note of the range of weapons that the EHoP uses, along with the levelof pain associated with each. Yes, I stayed conscious throughout the whole thing. Thanks to high doses of painkillers and other drugs, however, I will return to the field tomorrow. I do hear this squishie sound wherever I walk though, and believe it to be my spleen. Over and out.

#12 Aaron1339

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 05:36 PM

Coded message sent to agent etile (operative 028):
QUOTE
Agent etile, thank you very much for your dedication to the research regarding the defensive abilities of our standard issue plastic spork.  While AIIA does extend it symapthies regarding your many injuries, we are not overly concerned as a person doesn't really have much use for their spleen.  Medical intelligence indicates that the spleen is much like an appendix and doctors remove them all the time.
While we are not suprised at the extensive array of weaponry that is at the disposal of the ELF militia, AIIA does wonder where they managed to acquire these weapons.
Operatives working in the middle east reported EHoP activity in Iraq just before US and England launched their attack on Saddam Hussein's regime.  Their reports indicate that the EHoP may be responsible for the disappearance of the weapons of mass destruction that the Bush administration is currently seeking.
AIIA is very concerned now.  We had prepared our forces to defend against the weapons our intelligence had indicated they would be most likely to defend themselves with - biological toxins, nuclear warheads, exploding beer (diabolical bastards!).  Our troops are ill-prepared to defend themselves against such devastating weapons as a metal pipe or baseball bat (how a penguin manages to weild one effectively is a mystery we must solve).  This means we must rely now more than ever on the offensive abilities of our sporks.
On a side note, agent etile, where are you conducting your tests?  Are you still in the Southern Antartic or the Northern Artic?  You report indicates to AIIA the Antartic as none of the weapons you described have yet been used in the Artic.
If you are indeed in the Antartic, would you be willing to volunteer for a suici- er, I mean, solo mission?  An agent is presently in need of rescue.


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Official AIIA report:
AIIA militia has surrounded the main base at the North Pole and issued an order for unconditional surrender. We have captured and taken prisoner several of the EHoP disguised as little human men. All attempts to remove the disguises have failed and in one case, resulted in the unfortunate demise of the captive. No additional attempts will be made to force the disguises off of the prisoners; we are certain that they will break and give in soon enough.
Interogations of the captives indicate that all command decisions are made by one person housed at the heart of the base (which happens to be right on the North Pole). Descriptions provided by the prisoners indicate the commander to be human sized with a disproportionally large stomach and he apparently has a penchant for wearing red fur clothing trimmed with white.
Also, AIIA personell were able to extract information regarding the new aircraft and we are very concerned. It would seem that not one, but eight different models have been produced and successfully taken flight. AIIA pilots have been warned to keep a sharp eye open for any sign of these craft, identified as Dasher-, Dancer-, Prancer-, Vixen-, Comet-, Cupid-, Donder-, and Blitzen-class aircrafts.
Based on the fact that no large hangers or runways have been spotted durring our many reconassaince flights over the enemy base, AIIA has reason to believe that these aircraft are very small and require very little runway before launch.

Presently AIIA awaits response to our surrender demands and have nothing additional to report at the time.

#13 Guest_etile_*

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 08:10 PM

QUOTE(imaginary conference @ 12:00 AM)
[temporary decoder- ON]
[case-sensitve cloak encryption- ACTIVATED]

etile: darn, don't tell me I had the par backwards too!
*looks at map
etlie: c***, I did!

Aaron1339: heh heh heh, schizo loser...

Lord: Mwahhaha!!! Little do they know, this lack of memory is the direct result of my extensive brainwashing tests. Soon, the world will be mine!!!

etile: Um... Lord? If we can here your internal monologue, then it ain't internal anym...

Lord: Silence, slave!!!!

beer.gif

etile: Yummy! What were we talking about again??

Aaron: Oh, just the details concerning your suici- I mean, super secret and cool solo mission.

etile: What?!? You were going to say "SUICIDE"!!! How...
beer.gif
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yum, cookies....


For some reason, all I remember after my injuries is something about a mission. I think I need another briefing. I hope i'ts fun!! On a side note, I asked my spleen, and it doesn't want to squish!!! You meanie.

#14 Slain_Of_Tomb

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 10:03 PM

Slain_Of_Tomb reasearch opertive reporting...

Access files to PROJECT ASH (Aaron's Strange Hallucinations)

I have formulated a plan that could very well wipe out the peguin populance...

A ) Send in an Italian mother in law. This demon have unquencable fire at their control. They cant spawn kamikazi imps that have the potienal to explode with the force of a small nuclear bomb. They also have a very very thick hide, escially in the head area. Their only weakness is the so called son-in-law, but we sont have to worry about that... yet. As for the exploding beer our protype drinks it down and spits it out saying, "THIS IS-A CRAPPY". She weilds a broom and uses it with deadly skill. Equiped with a flame thrower (good for marshmellows)

B ) Send in Britney Spears. This so called 'singer' has the abilty to sing to people until they go numb... For humans her singing is horrific and causes some injuries... But for the peguins it should cause fatalies, because they have high hearing... I that doesn't work Britney can always knock those bastards into space with those 'cannons' on her 'chest area'....

C) Send me in... more on this later...

This is Slain_Of_Tomb signing out, I will report back in 3 hours...

--===end of message===--

#15 Guest_tzobell_*

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Posted 18 July 2003 - 10:51 PM

QUOTE(Aaron1339 @ Jul 18 2003, 02:36 PM)
-----------------------------

Official AIIA report:
AIIA militia has surrounded the main base at the North Pole and issued an order for unconditional surrender.

those are eskimos at the north pole the Ehop society is in antartica!!!!!!! How many times do i have to tell this to the AIIA, Im In Antarica, do they train there people how to read maps??????????? I'm stuck here i wear a lama costume and AIIA cant read a freakin map. angry_smile.gif




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