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#46 Zelda Princess

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Posted 25 February 2008 - 10:34 AM

<3..

Kim
2/25/08; 12:25am PST


i'm wearing your slippers.
you flattened them over time
to semi-soft cardboard.
i picture your padded midnight walks
to your tiny, yellow bathroom:
fumes of nail polish, milk lotions, burnt
hair
and your
perfume are nailed to the tiles.
i search in vain through your drawers
for the oddly-shaped bottles
with names like "obsession" and
"goddess".
i hide behind the clear curtains in your shower
from those double mirrors on your wall.
these slippers have snowflakes on them:
the type with glitter stitching and tacky sparkle dots...
you tell me things about underwear--how "they're supposed
to make you feel pretty". once you bought me a pink lace,
pinstripes-and-heart bra.
i wore it for a week, then thought:
this is !@#$%^&*.
underwear was never made to make you feel pretty, madrastra.
you spoil me with rellerindos
and
picagomas. my mexican candy.
you're the first mother figure i've had
and your slippers are the same size
as my biological mama's.
snowflakes.
they remind me of this one red robe she got for christmas...
i form the letter in my head.
(direct address), (subject) (adverb) (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
(direct address), mother physically (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
father, mother (adverb) (verb) me
but i don't want to talk about it.
ˇdígalo! ˇpero yo no quiero a!
kimberly the step-mother, the avon lady
thrice divorced
has a shiny ring
and i am sleepless, helpless
on her cosmetic bathroom floor,
hallucinating snow.

#47 BreakTheReflection

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Posted 25 February 2008 - 09:15 PM

Sorry I haven't left any long replies lately, Jess. I've been reading everything as it comes though. I really like the last poem. What do all the Spanish words mean?

#48 evanfan1117

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Posted 27 February 2008 - 12:42 AM

They mean say it, but I don't want to

#49 etile

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Posted 01 April 2008 - 06:22 AM

I keep rereading "Wild Blue Yonder" and "Kim." Every once in a while for the past few weeks. I really like them, but don't know how to comment on them. I suppose I can start with the latter.

[idle rambling]

You do a great job of pulling the reader into the poem. Touch, smell, color, you access all of these senses by the sixth line. I keep on wondering what the protagonist is searching for so vainly. It can't just be simple curiosity, and the way the rest of the poem goes implies to me that the quest is for the residue of motherhood or womanhood. The images are beautifully described, the scenes very nicely laid out. The bit about the bra is very, very endearing, and made me give a quiet laugh when I first read it. Everything keeps coming back to the slippers, a symbol of motherhood, and of womanhood too, I think.

I do not know what the letter means, but the following:
(direct address), (subject) (adverb) (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
(direct address), mother physically (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).


Changes the tone of the poem completely. I felt like it darkened and deadened it. Or numbed it, I suppose. In a way it prepared me in advance, against the image of protagonist sleepless and on the floor, as I look over to see what thoughts are keeping sleep from her.

There's a lot more to talk about in this poem, both details ans questions, which is also why I like it so much.

[/idle rambling]

Overall, a beautiful piece.

#50 Zelda Princess

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Posted 03 May 2008 - 11:12 AM

I have already expressed this to you... but knowing that you even read my stuff left me extremely grateful, flattered and ecstatic. Thank you so much.

I found two old, strange poems of mine and intertwined them...

Sleeponit
8/21/07; 3:37am PST


mama's kicked me out
didn't notice my shoes
Mr. Flea's a boil on my lip
says he's some kinda nightmare
"gonna eat the pus in your head?!"
i spit, pounding on her bedroom walls
for bass

waiter, will you mind
if i pull out my dentures here?
chiclets lined with ribbon, i screw them
'round my eyes
and don't bother with food anymore.
my former teeth? that white pair?
oh, i lost them:
only the naive maintain natural smiles, you see

"lovely medulla, get up honey"
i feel bedbug bites on my skin
as something pecks on my window in foreboding
but i stay still

whoosh
go the crossing of my legs
scrrratch
drawing on the pillows
locked in a closet
for three hours -- "not a word"
i smell your icky, godly prayer
from the pointy church
down the lane

oh, my silence
in
this
awful room
sounds like
mute math
can't stand
this sea-green color
makes me feel like
i live
impossibly
under
the
sea
seaweed
oh i am
just
seaweed
i scratch
at the bottom
of glass boats
that scoot on by

well nowe, just fiddle me sad, darlin'!
inspiration's gawn and stoud me up.

(i'm the only person in the world
who wishes i were southern)

"I never said it wouldn't take time."
[long, thoughtful pause]
"Time's hard."
"You're weak."

condescend me
condescend me, please...
yell, scream, anything
i miss the things you say
carry it on for hours
i'm a woman and should cry like a woman
i haven't cried in a long time

quivering,
stuttering,
fiddling
my teeth --

acid wear becomes
my
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
i'll say it real fast


no, noh no
ˇno.no.no.no!

Jess,

genteel
gentel
gent ell

say it

gentlee
gentle
gently

HAPPYBIRTHDA
YHAPPIEBIRT
HDAYWHAT?HAPPYBIRTHDAY
SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES
HAPPYBIRTHDAYHAPPY
BIRTHDAYifisayitenoughyou'llgetit

love lines
love lines
love lines
are just roads

say this to yourself

love lines love lines
are just roads
and you weren't my soda --
you weren't the bubbling thing in my belly
what a silly thought

"isn't it weird
how you look at something
and ten seconds later, it's got
twice the details?"
i smile at my brother
while brushing out the lice in his hair

#51 etile

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Posted 04 May 2008 - 11:30 PM

Very strange poems indeed, Jess. On a funny note, the title reminded me of the song 'Check Up On It,' by Beyonce >.<

Anyways, this was a tricky read for me. I picked out the lines and stanzas that I liked the best:


~~~~~~~~~~~
i spit, pounding on her bedroom walls
for bass

waiter, will you mind
if i pull out my dentures here?

only the naive maintain natural smiles, you see

i smell your icky, godly prayer
from the pointy church
down the lane

seaweed
oh i am
just
seaweed
i scratch
at the bottom
of glass boats
that scoot on by

well nowe, just fiddle me sad, darlin'!
inspiration's gawn and stoud me up.
(i'm the only person in the world
who wishes i were southern)

condescend me
condescend me, please...
yell, scream, anything
i miss the things you say
carry it on for hours
i'm a woman and should cry like a woman
i haven't cried in a long time
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Out of these snippets, I think my favorite bit was the seaweed/boat image. After that, the 'condescend me' bit, especially the first two and last two lines of it. I picked these bits out simply because they were very evocative for me.


#52 Azmaria Hendric

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Posted 26 April 2009 - 01:41 PM

QUOTE (Zelda Princess @ Feb 25 2008, 10:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<3..

Kim
2/25/08; 12:25am PST


i'm wearing your slippers.
you flattened them over time
to semi-soft cardboard.
i picture your padded midnight walks
to your tiny, yellow bathroom:
fumes of nail polish, milk lotions, burnt
hair
and your
perfume are nailed to the tiles.
i search in vain through your drawers
for the oddly-shaped bottles
with names like "obsession" and
"goddess".
i hide behind the clear curtains in your shower
from those double mirrors on your wall.
these slippers have snowflakes on them:
the type with glitter stitching and tacky sparkle dots...
you tell me things about underwear--how "they're supposed
to make you feel pretty". once you bought me a pink lace,
pinstripes-and-heart bra.
i wore it for a week, then thought:
this is !@#$%^&*.
underwear was never made to make you feel pretty, madrastra.
you spoil me with rellerindos
and
picagomas. my mexican candy.
you're the first mother figure i've had
and your slippers are the same size
as my biological mama's.
snowflakes.
they remind me of this one red robe she got for christmas...
i form the letter in my head.
(direct address), (subject) (adverb) (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
(direct address), mother physically (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
father, mother (adverb) (verb) me
but i don't want to talk about it.
ˇdígalo! ˇpero yo no quiero a!
kimberly the step-mother, the avon lady
thrice divorced
has a shiny ring
and i am sleepless, helpless
on her cosmetic bathroom floor,
hallucinating snow.


Its very weird, which I like.
Also I like the mentioning of the various assortment of items.
Esp the slippers and the reed robe.

Nice job Zelda Princess! happy.gif


#53 BreakTheReflection

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Posted 29 April 2009 - 12:01 AM

QUOTE (Zelda Princess @ Feb 25 2008, 03:34 AM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
<3..

Kim
2/25/08; 12:25am PST


i'm wearing your slippers.
you flattened them over time
to semi-soft cardboard.
i picture your padded midnight walks
to your tiny, yellow bathroom:
fumes of nail polish, milk lotions, burnt
hair
and your
perfume are nailed to the tiles.
i search in vain through your drawers
for the oddly-shaped bottles
with names like "obsession" and
"goddess".

i hide behind the clear curtains in your shower
from those double mirrors on your wall.
these slippers have snowflakes on them:
the type with glitter stitching and tacky sparkle dots...
you tell me things about underwear--how "they're supposed
to make you feel pretty". once you bought me a pink lace,
pinstripes-and-heart bra.
i wore it for a week, then thought:
this is !@#$%^&*.

underwear was never made to make you feel pretty, madrastra.
you spoil me with rellerindos
and
picagomas. my mexican candy.
you're the first mother figure i've had
and your slippers are the same size
as my biological mama's.
snowflakes.
they remind me of this one red robe she got for christmas...
i form the letter in my head.
(direct address), (subject) (adverb) (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
(direct address), mother physically (verb) (direct object)
(conditional phrase).
father, mother (adverb) (verb) me
but i don't want to talk about it.
ˇdígalo! ˇpero yo no quiero a!
kimberly the step-mother, the avon lady
thrice divorced
has a shiny ring
and i am sleepless, helpless
on her cosmetic bathroom floor,
hallucinating snow.


I love this poem because of all the attention to detail it has. All of the objects in the bathroom are described very vividly. I can just picture you in someone's tiny yellow bathroom, looking through the drawers. I wish I knew what else to say. I just really liked this one alot.

#54 Zelda Princess

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Posted 21 June 2009 - 05:00 AM

Thanks, guys. I haven't put anything up here for a while, although I have a lot of stuff--just no time.


Venus Flytrap
6/13/2009

i shake the snowglobe
and pretend that you are inside
does it feel good
to never have a true floor,
my love?
i shake you
and i shake you
and i
shake
you
the sparkles inside
close your eyelids shut
you are thrown around
wildly
but you
do not
protest

my hurt is like a river
i tumble with the
foaming rapids in my bed
my letters to you ooze shores of frustration
through their crinkled envelopes
but you
give me
silence

i tap the glass
to get your attention
instead i see the glitter congregating
on your skin
and you look like
a tube of sparkly silver glue
you are dead to my world,
protected by the distracting forces
around you

well,
congratulations


my head leans back
in complete despair,
clanking against
?
glass?
i look up to find myself
in a jar
somewhere in a box
which is somewhere
under your bed
i scream
until my lungs
quicksand to my knees
but you cannot
hear me

i smell the sex in the air
some nights, when you
spoil a red-headed girl rotten
with your
beautiful lips

with hair dyed crimson,
i just pretend
that you made love to me

the snowglobe
rests in my lap
i think of breaking it open
but then i would drown
in your glitter

#55 etile

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Posted 29 July 2009 - 11:50 PM

Commentary on Venus Flytrap:

Another gripping poem. Well done, honestly. I just spent the past half hour reading through Katie's poems, so my comment-making-machine is getting more warmed up. Ha, next time I'll read yours first, so that I'll be able to give Katie more comments.

But anyways, the poem.

does it feel good
to never have a true floor,
my love?

I really liked that. Don't know why.
After that, you do the 'shake you' bit, where you cut up the line more and more as you repeat it. To me that makes me seem like you're starting to shake it more forcefully, less quickly but more deliberately. More malevolently, perhaps? I like.

Oh boo, I have to go. I'll finish this post tonight.

#56 Zelda Princess

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Posted 01 August 2009 - 05:23 AM

^ Haha, liar.

#57 etile

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Posted 01 August 2009 - 06:14 PM

QUOTE (Zelda Princess @ Jul 31 2009, 08:23 PM) <{POST_SNAPBACK}>
^ Haha, liar.



Yeah, yeah, don't comment on the fact that I actually read and put thought to your poem, or even read and comment on mine in return. Just laugh your little laugh, bum. >.<

Aaaaaaaaaanyways, onwards with commentary.

my head leans back
in complete despair,
clanking against
?
glass?


I liked how you pulled this stanza off. The single question mark was a nice touch.

I also just like the basic idea of thinking you have this guy in this inaccessible little snowglobe, constantly trying to get his attention, then realizing that you're in a jar tucked away, untouched by him.

The stanza about spoiling the red head was one of my favorites. Your way with words, and the way you broke up the lines, was wonderful




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